MOMOCA

What I focus on and emphasize the most in sessions.

It is observation, trial, and goal setting. When you go on a trip somewhere, you do a lot of preparation. I change my belongings and my mindset depending on the place and the season.

If you actually go and experience a trip and your memories are full of good things, that's great, but if you have a bad experience, you plan a strategy to do better next time, and you reflect on your experiences and self-discipline.

Or you try to find something you have never seen or experienced before. I think the same thing can be said for sessions.

What we actually experienced and what we didn't understand. Repeated observations and trials to get to where we wish to be, when we want to know more or when it is different from what we had envisioned. And what you want to do with me and where you want to go.

If you set the same goals as I do, you can do your best, right?

The manga Nana & Kaoru. 

I first encountered it when I found the book in my older sister's room. At that age, my mother forbade me to read seinen manga, so I read them when no one was home.

I would sneak into my sister's room and touch her personal belongings in the quiet room with the sun shining in the west, and my heart would race with excitement at the slightest noise, wondering what would happen if I was discovered.

At this time, I think I was enjoying psyching myself up with self rather than reading manga. Even though I didn't know the word "immorality," this was definitely the time I learned that it felt good to feel immoral.

The next time I read this book was in my adulthood. I remember thinking that I wanted a partner like Nana and Kaoru. I was fascinated by the scenes of Kaoru's excitement at the new costumes and tools, Nana's beauty in bondage and as a human dog, and their psychological descriptions were also beautifully drawn and often melted my heart.

There are other works and drawings that fascinated me, but without this manga, I would not have been as interested in this world as I am now.

I like confinement stuff and want to control not only the physical restraints but also the environment of the other person.

One such place I have recently fantasized about is a warehouse. Imagine a warehouse near your office where you temporarily store items that are no longer in use that your employees go to regularly, but not every day. 

The situation is that you wake up tied up in a reclining chair, wearing an eye mask, shackled, and locked up. The sound of the door opening and the footsteps of heels approaching in a steady rhythm accelerate your heartbeat, and when you are about to cry, combined with fear, the eye mask is removed.

There was Momoca, your subordinate or boss. I looked at you kindly, and you wondered if I had come to help you. But then you were slapped on the cheek, and for the first time, you realized that the person in front of you was not someone you knew well.

Before you could ask me why she was keeping you locked up, I was cursing you for your inability to do your job and physically assaulting you incessantly.

If you turn your face away from the slap, you get a hard fist in your stomach, and if you try to avoid the fist, you have no choice but to accept a strong slap on a different cheek than the one you were slapped on earlier. 

The urge to urinate that you had felt when you woke up was exhausted by the incessant violence, and you had to pee, and I forced you to drink my urine, saying, "You must be thirsty because you peed." When you said you were hungry...you know the rest.

You are unable to move your body, you cannot breathe, you have physical pain, and you cannot escape or resist even though you are biologically stronger than me. You realized you are excited in this situation, and you are so miserable that you try to escape. But the ropes that bind your body are not so easily loosened.

You could have shouted for help, but your pride would not allow you to expose your miserable appearance to anyone. You are looking forward to my return to the warehouse with a little anticipation, wondering what I will do to you this time, thinking of an excuse that I might do something worse to you if I find out that you tried to call for help. If there was a warehouse where you could be my plaything for the rest of your life, would you go in?

Normally, I act like a normal person and hide my true self.

That's why I'm always so eager to get my groove on in a session and do whatever I want to do! But during the session, I look at myself objectively and wonder if I'm doing it right, and from that point on, my thinking stops due to anxiety and hesitation.

Then, the session ends with the memories and feelings of the session stuck in the back of my mind.

When I am not ready to accept the masochist's desires, when I am not able to move as I wish, when I am defeated by myself, when I am not able to manipulate myself well, it all feels like hard play.

It is Pachelbel's Canon.

https://youtu.be/K1zQL6HnBpo

It flows when emotions are strongly shaken.

The canon may flow when I see the face of a masochist in anguish or when I see the face of a masochist in deep joy.

Shall I train you to have the canon flow to you as well?

Ancient Greece.

Peloris, a brass foundryman who created a torture or execution device called "The Bull of Phalaris", was ordered by King Phalaris to use his own bull to kill him. I would like to meet him before his death, have him make various torture devices for me, and test the prototypes on my masochists.

The way Ichi's trauma and negative emotions from being bullied as a student lead to violent behavior in the real world is similar to what I also see when I resolve negative emotions. Also the way Ichi's violence intensifies when he is immersed in his own world, whereas he instantly returns to his normal state overlaps with my own.

I also felt a similarity with him in the way he uses his past traumas and negative emotions as a driving force in his play.

No matter how many times I read this book, I envy Ichi. People in the real world whom the old man made Ichi believe the are his abusers are assassinated, but in reality, the abusers are not dead and they are still alive, but in Ichi's mind, he has defeated the abusers and in the last volume, Ichi has overcome his trauma and has become a better person.

I think I have a longing to be like Ichi. That is why I am also trying to overcome my trauma and bitter memories of the past through our sessions.

However, I think it would be boring if I became like Ichi after overcoming everything. I can't help but lick my lips and wonder what will happen when Ichi meets his abusers again, or when I realize that I have not overcome my trauma.

Of course I think "Is it okay to let someone else control you?" "Do you really enjoy living in a fake world?" but I don't have much aversion to being controlled.

There are only a few people who can control me, though.