YURINA

I try not to force myself to be SM-like. In my case, if I am too conscious of "making it look like SM,"

I tend to end up acting empty... I think that being honest with myself is the best way to keep the sadism inside me in a state where it can be easily activated.

If I am half-hearted, my relationship with the you will also be half-hearted.I would like to see your distorted face and hear your suffering voice.

When do you let out your breath and when do you frown?Because we have come all this way...because we have met.

I don't want to force you to do something painful.Forcing you is not the only thing I want.

Why are you trying so hard in front of me? Why? I would love to know.

I tried not to watch typical SM things, but the ones I watch over and over again are... Edogawa Rampo's Imomushi, the movie Orphan, and the works of painter Chiakii Ishimatsu. I like these very much.

I feel that Imomushi (meaning a caterpillar) is a pure love story...and it makes me cry no matter how many times I read it. A very beautiful story.

The main character Tokiko's husband lost his arms and legs in the war, he is deaf and mute, and all he has left is his sight. Her husband looks horrifying, and no one comes to visit him....

The situation is already wonderful. Living alone with her husband, who has been limbless due to his injury in the war, must have been a very difficult situation.

The relationship that only the two of them can create is very touching. In the movie Orphan, Esther is so cute. She is cute, the best. I love the colors of the movie, the sound, the fashion, everything.

That look on Esther's face when she is harming people. The way she looks at the person who is suffering...with cold, firm eyes. Cute. I had the impression that Chiakii Ishimatsu's work was "cute pictures that make you feel like you're being cuddled."

But since they said that they draws masochism and sadism, I wondered if there were elements of those things that attracted me. It is good to have a "It's SM!" kind of work, but there is also a sense of abuse and desire for domination lurking somewhere, and the exquisite and strange balance that is maintained between the two of them.

It's all right if they are "happy" with each other. Even if there is no "happiness" there.

~ A Nursing Home Exclusively for Masochists ~ 

In the everyday life. I like 'normal' places. This is because I also like SM that lurks in everyday life.

This is similar to the image of SM I have of the works I mentioned in Relay Column 2, "Are there any books, music, movies, art, etc. that have impressed you in regards to SM?"

Not doing something in a prepared place with prepared tools, but with a pen placed nearby, a stone, my bare hands, and my eyes. Not even wearing a costume for it, just play it instinctively as it is.

But then I am interested in unusual things, such as ordering a leather human-canine restraint and being interested in mamification.

Ideally, I would like you to live in a human-canine state on a daily basis, and your "daily clothes" should be a mummy man wrapped from head to toe. I want you to live in a state where you can't do anything on your own.

Okay, let's make it like an in-patient facility. I've always dreamed of building a nursing home for nerds. (This was when I was an underground idol.)

Let's make a nursing home for human dogs and mummy men, with a bed for each of you, and a caregiver (domina) to take care of you.

There will be recreational activities. Everyone will be gathered in the recreation room. Domina:

"Today is 'Endurance! How many hours can you endure? The whip version'" The inmates: "Woof!"

I imagine 'hard play' as something that feels heavy.

You know it's suffocating and you know I should get out of there, but it's controlling you like a heavy weight on your head and body... and yet you can't escape.

For some reason, you can't get out. I think that is the situation that is happening to both of us. We are both in pain, but we can't escape, to go deeper, we want to touch a place from which we can never come back.

We take each other to the depths of our suffering. We are corrupting ourselves. It's scary. But we don't know how to escape from this place anymore.

Hmmm. The theme tune ...... is difficult. But if I were to describe it as music, life is a series of jam sessions.

I thought such an expression would fit well for me. The people I interact with, the sounds I hear, the things I see... everything has some influence on me. I add my accent to the sound that the other person plays... and the other person senses it and expands the sound further.

Sometimes I get into it perfectly, and sometimes I encounter a new sound that shocks me. I think it is the same in SM sessions. I respond to the other person's favourite sound, and then the other person's melody and my rhythm... We weave music together that can only be created on the spot, overlapping and responding to each other's melodies.

As a result of playing while feeling each other's presence, there will be times when the music is silent, and times when it becomes dissonant. Now it suddenly occurred to me, I am reminded of the lyrics, "If we get too close to each other... it becomes a cacophony." It's strange.

I think that 'getting too close' is not the only correct answer. Distance of sound, distance of mind, distance of body.

I never seem to get used to jam sessions in my life, no matter how many times I experience them. It's a lot of fun.

Japan. Freak show.

I want to go back to the days when you could look through the peephole and see the sex act. I like the feeling that everyone is looking into it, rather than the sex acts itself.

I'd like to have a SM session behind the peephole, but I'd also like to have a sub's body altered, and made to work. What would it feel like to not only be altered by me, but also to be exposed to curious eyes in a freak show...

I could make them into a human canine, or I could make him into a daruma. At any rate, I'll make you into a shape that will attract people, so go ahead and show off your hideous appearance in front of everyone.

--- 'Come on, come on! You'll see what you get for your money!"

People gather to see the scary things. A masochist exposed in front of a crowd of curious people. When the customers get tired of them, they will be physically altered by me, and then exposed to the curious eyes again, day after day...

I have written in my blog before about why I have been avoiding looking at SM... "Too precious for me to touch", and just the other day, I remembered one more thing. Let me start with that story.

When I was 20 years old, I went to a SM bar for the first time with a friend of mine. A mistress there pointed at a masochistic man there and said, "Try poking him with this stick." We took turns and started poking him. With an ordinary stick that was not for SM, and with almost no fear of injuring him. Poke, poke, poke ......

To my surprise I lost my memory in the middle of it. I don't know if it was a few seconds or a few dozen seconds, but I don't remember. I came back to myself at the man's voice "Hey, hey, excuse me, stop!" I came back to myself and at the same time I was terrified.

I thought to myself, "No, no, I must not do SM. I would cause them unwanted hurt and pain."

I was so excited that I completely forgot myself. (I must have had a great expression on her face, because the mistress said to me, "You have a very good eye.") I had been trying not to touch SM until I was 20, and then I tried lifting that ban for an hour. I banned myself from touching SM again.

That's right. Because I really wanted to try to kill someone. There was a man lying on the floor in front of me. I just poked him with a stick while sitting on a chair. And then he was in pain. I guess my reason went somewhere as he looked pained and scared.

Now I think the man was scared and put a stop to it, not because of the pain, but because of my expression, the killing look, etc.

And...oh, yes. I don't think I want to kill people at all these days. That's also what made me think, "I could try being a dominatrix, SM club, I'll try it."

I used to envy people who had killed people. "An elementary school girl killed her friend," and her motive was "I wanted to know what would happen if I killed her." I cried with envy. I wish I had been like her....

Now, I've made a very long preface, but I was asked you to read "Ichi the Killer" and write down my impressions of the book.

"What is this? Is it a yakuza story? I don't like this kind of male-oriented stuff." I read on...

Halfway through the book, I thought to myself, "If I read this, won't it make me want to kill people again?"

Listen, everyone!

It didn't! I didn't feel the desire to kill at all. That's good. I almost went into a period again where I couldn't touch SM again, heh. But it's a strange thing, isn't it... I was hoping to write somewhere about the other reason why I didn't touch SM, when I got the subject for this relay column. I read it and oh my goodness. It is a comic that makes you feel pain and death...or something like that.

So, what did I feel?

First of all, I am not good at reading manga, but I read it in one sitting at a great pace. It's a very fast-paced manga, with lots of heart-pounding and laughter.

I also thought that sexuality is a strange thing. My sexual kink probably started when I was a kindergartener, but in the case of Yurina the kindergartener, I was excited by "making them cry." In the case of men, it is easy to tell because they ejaculate.

Whether or not they can ejaculate with it seems to be one of the criteria for whether or not it fits to their kink. Even if they cannot ejaculate by themselves, they can do it by some trigger, by someone's word, by someone's action, unintentionally or otherwise.

By the way, a question has arisen in my mind. Is it an adult thing who can put a stop to himself/herself, or is it who can let himself/herself go, in terms of kinks and other things? Which is the "adult thing to do"? I think it would be the happiest thing for me to be able to liberate someone's sexual kinks. At your first opportunity, with my words, with my actions, you may ejaculate unintentionally.

You may have discovered the joy of more than ejaculation. You taught me the joy of playing with people while keeping them alive, instead of killing them.

The first half of the play gallery, with photos of my actual session, is now available.

If you have seen it, what do you think? It's quite good and different from the portraits. I want as many people as possible to see this.

What do you feel when you look at these photos? I wonder what I would look like in your eyes if you and I had a session after looking at the pictures?

Take a good look.